Would Einsteins Theory be different if he’d had access to Coopers? ADB Contributor Ed Hartley tests it out in his workshop.
Definition: Time (noun) The indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. So this article on time in the workshop may be taking the piss a little. It begins like this, as texts between three mates.
Tom Pearce: Did either of you lads fit your own steering damper?
Ed Hartley: Nah – Banks Race did it for me.
Tim Pengilly: Yep.They’re easy to fit. Only took two stubbies.
Tom Pearce: Two stubbies is a good amount of time. I might give it a crack.
And henceforth a new scientific measure was formed. PUTS, Pengilly Units of Time in Stubbies. Since long before Jesus’s day we’ve been stuck with the Babylonian method of time; seconds, minutes, hours and finally, finally 5500 years later a bloke named Pengilly totally reinvents time for the common man.
But that’s not the extent of the genius. You see, time has no real measure of complexity, only duration. Beer solves this. But let’s begin at the beginning. The PUTS measure, colloquially known as “Stubbies”, is in whole stubbies (because drinking half a beer is criminal) and comes with an intuitive complexity rating system.
- Mild Ale (Orange) – Mid strength 3.5% Alc. 1 standard drink. For complex jobs with full concentration required.
- Pale Ale (Green) – 4.5% Alc. 1.3 standard drinks. For standard jobs.
- Sparkling Ale (Red) – 5.8% and 1.7 standard drinks. For easy jobs you can’t stuff up.
Because not all beers are created equal, in quality or alcohol content the benchmark is set by Coopers. Not just because Pengilly is a proud South Australian raised on Pale ale, occasionally dabbling in Sparkling for those big occasions or later in life discovering Mids to compensate for a weakening constitution. So let’s run a practical application of the PUTS system. The default beer is a standard full strength ie: Pale Ale and the beer choice is adjusted based on complexity.
Recently you will have read my article about changing the oil on a new 2024 KTM 450 EXC-F. Despite being a new bike, the process and oil quantity was exactly the same and one I’ve done many times before. In fact the only difference was removing the bashplate.
However it’s important to measure the oil exactly, avoid dirt in the engine and torque bolts correctly so there’s a degree of risk involved. You don’t want to get complacent here. So I stuck with Pale Ale. The oil change probably took about 30 minutes in which time I consumed one Pale Ale. So there you have it, an oil & filter change equals one stubby of Pale Ale.
PRO TIPS
[1] Cans are better in the workshop.
[2] Drink responsibly. This article is taking the piss remember.
PENGILLY IN ACTION.
So I bought a Ballards Bike Lift (stand) from MXStore last year. It arrived and required assembly. I took one look at the archaic instructions and parked it.
Six months later after attempting nothing I gave up and listed it for sale on Facebook Marketplace “for sale – too lazy to construct” and guess what? Pengilly the inventor of PUTS saw my ad and reached out. “How about I come round, put it together over a beer?” That was last Sunday.
Constructing a Ballards Bike Lift equals one stubby of Pale Ale. Meanwhile, watching someone construct a Ballards Bike Lift stand, equals one stubby of Sparkling Ale.
WORDS & PHOTOS | Ed Hartley